“Love and Some Verses”: On Catholicism and Vowed Love

To me, some of the most beautiful and reassuring Catholic teachings are those related to marital love. When a friend admitted that they found Catholic teaching on the expression of physical love between unmarried couples counterintuitive, I pondered why that this point of theology always felt “right” to me. Not that it was easy, especially in regards to navigating the dating world, but that it always seemed right.

Catholic teachings on sexuality are centered on the essential dignity of the human soul. As all human beings are children of God, they should be approached with reverence. This is the cornerstone of our human dignity, which no one has the right to take away.

With this in mind, why does it follow that it is a breach of human dignity to seek sexual gratification outside of marriage? Why should human beings confine their sexuality to one person, namely, their spouse?

In the words of Catholic theologian Alice von Hildebrand, sex is a “donation which by its very nature calls for total commitment to another person...one cannot give oneself to many persons simeoultaneously.”

In our era of casual hookups, threesomes, and polyamoury, many people might take umbrage with this idea. Why not give physical affection to whomever inspires it and consents to it? It makes people feel good. Who does it really hurt?

Even without looking at the potential consequences of this line of reasoning, like pregnancy, or sexually transmitted diseases, the problem with sex outside of marriage lies in its negligence of the act itself. Non-marital sexual gratification is a problem because it does not give us or our partners Enough.

Instead of wanting what is truly best for someone first, we want something else. We want to experience pleasure, and give the other person pleasure, but what is good and right for them eternally- for their soul as well as their body- is not uppermost in our mind.

It can’t be. We have denied them the vows of self-sacrifice, exclusivity, and permanency that we give in marriage. Instead, we are in a “deciding” place, a place of learning and exploring how we feel about someone,  not a place of vowed submission to the cause of the highest good of that individual.

This is not only less than what the other person deserves, it cheats us of the great joy we experience when the giving of our bodies is complete. Von Hildebrand calls this “the sweetness of a mutual self donation, accomplished in trembling reverence.”

And it is sweet. Deeply, powerfully, sacredly sweet.

Though not a theologian, or even a  Catholic, singer-songwriter Sam Beam of Iron and Wine encapsulates everything that is “right” about sacramental love in his song, “Love and Some Verses”. Bear with me, I was an English major, and poetry and lyricism sometimes actually help me to get a better handle on certain concepts. 

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Love is a dress that you made long/To hide your knees 

This first line reflects the safety and protection we have within vowed love. We are completely exposed in physical love; Adam “knew” Eve. Yet, someone’s complete acceptance of us, as wholly manifested by the consecration “the two shall become one flesh”,  shelters us. Their consideration of our own happiness, as secured by their promise to love us as their own body,  protects us. We are the most vulnerable we will ever be, but knowing that someone will love us as they love themselves, even to the point of dying for us, makes us safe within our vulnerability.

We all deserve to be loved this sacrificially.

Love to say this to your face/I'll love you only

When someone “loves us only”, it imitates the ecstatic completeness Adam and Eve had with one another in the Garden of Eden.  Exclusivity says: “You are enough for me. You are all I need.” Isn’t this exactly what our partners deserve? Isn’t this exactly what we deserve? When we hand our bodies over to someone, when we physically give ourselves to another human being, don’t we want to believe that our offering will satisfy them? Yet, by sharing this experience without first committing to our partner exclusively, we are essentially saying: “You might not be enough for me.” This attitude does not do justice to someone’s surrender of himself or herself. What does justice to surrender is giving your partner the grace of knowing that their complete giving is completely enough for you. That they themselves are enough.

We all deserve to be loved exclusively.

From your changing contentments/What will you choose for to share?

Someday drawing you different/May I be weaved in your hair?

The nature of humanity is to grow and to change. Women’s very bodies are cyclical, and this aids in the propagation of life, and the continual re-creation of our ever changing world. We are not always the same people we were on our wedding day. Our bodies change, our minds adapt and grow to accept different ideas, and our wants and desires change, as formed by our life experience. In the rite of marriage, we vow to love and honor our spouse through these changes for the rest of our lives.

The question, “someday drawing you different/may I be weaved in your hair?” is a beautiful illustration of the trust and unconditional acceptance that is worthy of the sexual gift. Though our partner may change from the person we married, we are still woven into them. We are a part of them. We cannot be extracted by time or other external or internal forces.

The symbol of physical oneness is only fully realized in this truth of being one for life. What makes the death of physical oneness bearable at its completion is the reality of a deathless love.

So, throughout our partner’s “changing contentments”, as well as our own, we choose to share our love. Our giving of ourselves will not stop once it suits us. Nor is our love dependent on our partner staying the same. We give them the freedom to become whom they are meant to be, and we come along to share their journey. And how much better is the journey with love on our side?

We all deserve to be loved for life.

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Ultimately, as von Hildebrand states, sex is “meant to be at the service of the deepest human aspiration: love.” Our giving of our bodies both reflects and is informed by the giving of our whole selves. Let us not do injustice to the most sacred of acts by giving it less than it deserves. Let us "taste the true beauty of a sexual union based on mutual love, and lived in reverence."